Every time I think I’m better, I’m not. I held your hand while you died. My head was on your chest. I heard your last heartbeat and watched you take your last breath. Your skin turned white and cold. The muscles in your body relaxed; the nerves still twitched even though you were gone. I watched the pain go away. It gave me peace, but now I can never forget it…me kissing your face and saying, “You can go. It’s ok. We’re all going to be ok.”
The ride in the ambulance where I said my goodbyes while being forced to sign DNR papers…having the EMT tell me “I’m sorry for your loss” before we even got out to go in the house. It hurt, but I couldn’t be upset about the inevitable truth I would face moments later.
At least I got to say goodbye. You got to go your own way in your own time. After everyone left the house, I slept alone there that night. Most of the time I feel just as alone as I did then. Now I’m trying to move on. Slowly but surely I’m getting there, but the details of you leaving still linger.
I never pray to God for companionship…maybe because deep down I feel undeserving…that my mental health issues warrant me to be single for the rest of my life because no one deserves to have to tolerate what I go through. It’s partially the reason I self sabotage any potential relationships that come my way. I feel like, “why bother”. They’re going to witness a crazy moment and leave me anyway. It’s my biggest insecurity. I never pray for a man.
I also believe that’s just something God provides in time and that we shouldn’t pray for that. He knows what we need and desire, and if and when I’m meant to have it I will. So I don’t ask. I wait to see if I’m worthy or not.
But it would be nice to have someone love me, I think. The thought of it does scare me to be honest. But someone to console, encourage and take responsibility, pride and ownership of me would be great. I think I’d like someone I could roll over to and wake up with my dreams or to just talk to when I’m hurting, confused, anxious or just needing affection. I need a new best friend now that my mom is gone…but it might be nice if this one wanted to be with me forever and give me children. I never cared for marriage, but I’m open to the idea of sharing my life, flaws, creativity and love with someone. I have a lot to give. I get tired of feeling I’m wearing my friends down with my life. I want someone to be responsible for me and my feelings and my future…someone to care about my growth as an individual and want to grow and build with me. That’s probably a lot to ask. I don’t think the idea is too much, but maybe I am. Who will claim me and all that I am as their own?
You can’t want more for someone than they want for themselves….and that’s frustrating when it’s someone you love.
I need a place where I can go and scream. I hate feeling like I can’t trust people and that they are unreliable when I am MOST reliable and trustworthy. I want to get back what I fucking give. I’m tired.
I’m realizing more and more that I need to keep most things to myself. I’m reminded what I have a therapist for. Friends can sometimes be just as judgmental as anyone else. I learned recently that one of my friends is ashamed of my life FOR me; suggesting that I not tell a guy very important pieces of my life for fear of “loosing them”. Wow. Fuck that. If they can’t deal with a little LIFE, they don’t deserve me. It kind of hurt my feelings, but of course if I say anything, it will come off as me “trippin”…which is the reason why I often don’t tell people when they hurt me; Its automatically charged to my mental health….as if I can’t just have negative feelings like a normal person. I hate when my emotions are discredited…something a second friend did today. This is what makes me shut down at times…when I feel like I can’t talk to anyone without unwarranted critiquing. Can I ever just talk without you responding with an “solution”? Shit.
Remember leaving your field trip slip out on the countertop for your parents to see and waking up to it signed with $20 on top of it before you left for school? I want THAT element of excitement, anticipation and gratification back in my life. I’m trying to figure out how to get it back.
I need something to look forward to…something to keep me going when times get rough. It’s hard to set myself up for that something when you have no clue what you want to do with your life. I used to have big goals and dreams…the kind people secretly want to tell you are impossible to attain. I want to be back in that mind space where I believed anything I wanted, I could do or have. I want to resume the level of confidence that I had in myself 3 years ago when I left for Jersey to pursue my dreams and didn’t look back…knowing that regardless of what happened, I would make it. I had no doubt in my mind.
So now I just pray for my dreams to resurface, or that if I have new ones, that they show themselves to me rather than be blocked by life’s technical and practicalities. I want my dreams back. I want the thrill of wondering what’s going to happen tomorrow when I place that hope in the atmosphere to get noticed and go to sleep knowing it will be fulfilled.
Sometimes I want a relationship with my biological father for the sake of him being the last optional parent I have left. MOST times, I prefer to believe he doesn’t exist. He may as well not. I feel I’m wasting time even writing about him. But I wish I had a parent. The thing is, even if we did decide to try and make things work, he doesn’t know who I am, and I don’t care to teach him. The resentment I harbor would flare up the moment he got out of line with me or failed me once again. This is why I don’t go through the trouble…of setting myself up for failure. But sometimes it’s a nice thought, that I do technically have a parent, though I feel nothing in my heart for him. I don’t even love you.