My sexuality is something I have never been meek about or ashamed of. In fact, even with all of the experience I’ve had, I still don’t feel entirely fulfilled. The partners I’ve had have been basic compared to the desires I have for myself. So I went seeking and found myself at a swingers club in New York City.
I’m a Christian woman. That’s not up for debate, despite my hindrances to be fully committed to my walk. But at age 27 and with all I’ve endured, I’m not mentally in a position to deny myself of anything I want or feel I deserve. Those things have been taken from me long enough. If I want to do/say something now, I do or say it! I have to say that’s been a positive turning point in my life, that with moderate alterations, I intend to keep.
A group of friends and I attend this Monday night event in Manhattan at a private location with all types of expectations. We thought it would be some big orgy like in the movies. However, as we walk in, people are simply sitting down, clothed, with drinks in their hands. With some drinks came liquid courage. I was the first to walk in, examining every room in the dimly lit red rooms filled with beds, chairs, gadgets…I came in ready to see a 50 Shades of Grey type set up. It wasn’t like that at all. Everyone starts to mingle. I meet a young lady who is later, under the influence of Pure White Hennessy from the Bahamas, going to be bait in a situation involving my male friend and I. With a long story short, we entertained her together. I enjoyed dominating the situation…something I’d never done before.
That’s not what this was about. The night ended in pandemonium as one person in the group was simply not feeling the situation and left. As I chase after this individual, I find myself at the train station alone at midnight. A woman approaches me asking for directions as to which train to get on. Somehow after a talk about traveling, we land on the topic of her son who recently died. Intoxicated, I’m engaging her in conversation, sharing my testimony about dealing with the grief of my mother. In the back of my mind, I’m finally feeling the slight guilt of my sin. At this time I’m feeling unworthy of sharing what God has brought me out of after what I had just out myself in. But, our souls were kindred. She had to be in her mid to late 40s. A Black, female Doctor actually. I shared my experiences and then without pause, God led me to pray for her…right there…in New York Penn Station. In person intercessory prayer has never been my calling. I’m simply not good at praying aloud for someone else, but God led the way as she cried in my arms. When we parted ways, she told me she was filled and asked me if I was spiritual. I am, but with Satan reminding me of my wrongdoing, I again felt unworthy of saying yes. Instead I said I believe God will heal your heart in due time.
Her train arrives. We switch numbers and part ways. weeks later and I’m still praying for her. Finally I catch my train. It’s a long one hour trip to where I live from New York. At this time my phone is dead, and I do not have a charger. I am now stranded at the station near my home with no way to get to my home. This was the last stop of the night, so no one was there to help me. I did see one car, with a young woman and a black man. After sitting on the steps in the cold for about 30 minutes, I finally decide to ask the young couple if they had an iPhone charger. The guy replied yes, but I must leave my phone in his car. I was so drunk that I passed him my phone and my wallet. He could have very well taken off with my items, and I would have never seen them again. Instead when the woman’s Uber came, he invited me into his car because it was cold. I’ve been trying to catch my own Uber, but it was way too far away. The gentleman then proceeded to offer me a ride home for which at this point I obliged. Here was another blessing I did not deserve. I showed him my ID to let him know who I am and that I’m not some crazy person and that I only lived 10 minutes away. We chatted quite a bit, and somehow we got on the topic of credit. And then assisted him with if you questions that he had regarding some items on his credit report. It actually was a very interesting conversation for which at the end he hugged me and told me that I may have helped him in a major way.
“Who am I that you are mindful of me that you love me, that you care. Is it true that you are thinking of me, that you love me… It’s amazing.”
And this very moment in my life, inebriated and drenched in sin, I never thought that God could use me. However, time and time again he has proven that in my darkest hour I am still worthy of his love, grace, mercy, protection, and to be used by him in any situation. This situation made me see that I am truly and undeniably chosen by him to for fill his will in my life, and what my purpose is. I am not perfect. I have needs, desires and wants that are not like Christ at times. I am a human being with fleshly desires that I do not always contain. I try not to use the excuse that God knows my heart and my intention, but most times that’s not good enough for me. I test my limits, but every time he shows me that I am so much more than what I allow myself to be. I am grateful that he continues to show me my worth and my purpose in his kingdom. Since this revelation, I have decided to do my best to read dedicate my life to him and to begin to work on denying my flesh and feeding my spirit.
I enjoyed the time that I had at the club. I will not lie about that, but I do know that there is more for me to live a Christian life style then there could ever be in the world. It won’t be easy to escape the desires that I am currently experiencing, but I’m doing my best. I recently became a member of a great church home that I used to attend when I lived here previously in 2013. This church feeds me spiritually, Mentally, and emotionally. It makes me want to be a better person in Christ, and to let go of my worldly desires. I just think it’s amazing how God can use you in your darkest hour to bless someone else And glorify him. I was undeniably unprepared, but it’s also a reminder that I am undeniably chosen to do the work of God and spread the gospel to his people. No matter how far or far behind you may feel that you are in Christ, no matter how bad your battle may be at this time, God can always use you. Sometimes he will even place you in situations that are not like him so that she can be a blessing to someone. While I find myself still conflicted about living out my desires before I decide to finally settle down, I realize that I am also wasting precious time with God that I could be using to build his kingdom and essentially missing out on my own blessings. I making a genuine effort to change. I know what God has for me. I know who’s I am and what I am. I love myself, I respect myself, but I also need to remember to put God first and examine the situation I place myself in daily to make sure that my walk with Christ is progressing and not digressing. After all I’ve been through, I know that I am a work in progress, and I am content because I know that God has my back, knows who I am, what I’ve been through, and who I aspire to be. Judgment from others is far past my mind, and I just want to try to do the right things but still maintain my freedom. It’s a thin line.