Real quick, I have a lot to say as I haven’t written (to myself) in a while…but right now I want to just take a moment to be thankful that people have acknowledged that I’ve been a target my whole life.
I’ve always felt like the Devil has had his eyes on me since I was in the womb. I’ve always felt fucked and tampered with. I’ve had my innocence and happiness stolen from me. I’ve chosen paths that make no sense. I’ve been inflicted physically, emotionally, mentally…but I still fight for my joy. He KEEPS taking things I love away from me. He keeps taunting and terrorizing my life.
In the past, I’ve been made to feel like I brought every bad thing that has happened to me in my life on myself. I didn’t. I’ve been under attack since I can remember. Sometimes it feels like it will never end. There’s moments in between where due to my faithfulness, God has blessed or kept me…but I can’t help but feel that I’ve had far more turmoil than blessings. I can’t understand why. I try not to think about it or take it personal and just move on, but it’s so hard. No matter how much right I do, how much I rebuke the devil, or a pray, repent, praise, worship, fight myself mentally, it never ceases. It’s like I have to accept that this is my life. Every blessing is followed by some form of disaster or unhappiness, and I’m just tired.
I’ll keep going…but I’m freaking tired.