You Feel Guilty

I was in church the other day when they mentioned a program for Mother’s Day. This would be my 2nd without one. And then I realized how much time I actually gone by since she died; one year and two months. And then it hit me: How have I survived this long without her? How dare you move on and function as if She wasn’t a major part of your daily life? You’re going to forget her, she doesn’t deserve that. 

I began crying and feeling like a horrible person and daughter. To move on was to forget  her existence. She wasn’t a bad person. Her legacy should be carried on and remembered, right? And then I thought how generations of great people have gone unrecognized and eventually become just a name mentioned in conversation about ancient family members you’d never know. #EndTangent

You feel guilty, and guilt is indeed a physical feeling as well as emotional. It was heavy on me, but I also knew if I took time to mourn her, it may effect me for days to come. You become truly stuck between letting their name live on and letting go. That’s where I am now in this process. My logic feeds both of these, so I don’t know which way to go or how to do both without putting my emotional thoughts in a frenzy. I’m hoping this stage of grief ends soon, but I also fear the next stage that follows.

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