I never pray to God for companionship…maybe because deep down I feel undeserving…that my mental health issues warrant me to be single for the rest of my life because no one deserves to have to tolerate what I go through. It’s partially the reason I self sabotage any potential relationships that come my way. I feel like, “why bother”. They’re going to witness a crazy moment and leave me anyway. It’s my biggest insecurity. I never pray for a man.
I also believe that’s just something God provides in time and that we shouldn’t pray for that. He knows what we need and desire, and if and when I’m meant to have it I will. So I don’t ask. I wait to see if I’m worthy or not.
But it would be nice to have someone love me, I think. The thought of it does scare me to be honest. But someone to console, encourage and take responsibility, pride and ownership of me would be great. I think I’d like someone I could roll over to and wake up with my dreams or to just talk to when I’m hurting, confused, anxious or just needing affection. I need a new best friend now that my mom is gone…but it might be nice if this one wanted to be with me forever and give me children. I never cared for marriage, but I’m open to the idea of sharing my life, flaws, creativity and love with someone. I have a lot to give. I get tired of feeling I’m wearing my friends down with my life. I want someone to be responsible for me and my feelings and my future…someone to care about my growth as an individual and want to grow and build with me. That’s probably a lot to ask. I don’t think the idea is too much, but maybe I am. Who will claim me and all that I am as their own?