I’m tired of grieving. It has stopped my life. The world is moving on without me, and I’m stuck dwelling on things I cannot change. I didn’t expect to be this broken. I didn’t expect to be this out of touch, disoriented and exposed. I’m trying to figure out who I am all over again… How do I exist in a world where my mother doesn’t.

I often feel cursed. How does so much misfortune conquer a person in such little time? I’m 26.5 years old. I wonder what I did so wrong to bring so much dismay upon myself. Was I such a bad child? Did I not pray enough? Did my past rebellious ways result in such wicked, life altering circumstances? Was pain spoken on me at birth? Am I a part of a strain of family curses that I have to somehow end? The questions go on and on in my mind every sleepless night.

I want my joy back…my ambition, my will to live, to love…my motivation, my peace, my understanding, my strength, purity, my soul which right now feels so damned. I want a new chance at life. I want happiness. It just feels like I’ll never find it again. Maybe I don’t want it bad enough. But, I know what I don’t want…and it’s the feeling I have now: loneliness, heartbreak and pain.

I cry out for God, but I don’t feel heard. How do I move on? I want my life back, but I realize that life is over. How do I start a new one?

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