Zero

It’s been almost 5 months now. My energy level is 0. I hate that I’m like this. I don’t want to do anything but sleep and lay, lay and sleep and drink. I have no drive anymore (which isn’t like me at all). I need to be working, applying for jobs, preparing for school, taking care of my brothers, setting up my future….instead I’m in bed with no energy and no motivation. I’m knowingly having things to do and taking time that I don’t have to accomplish them. My life feels like it’s in slow motion majority of the time. I want so badly to be “on my game” but I’m so off it that I don’t know how to get back on. I feel like I’m supposed to be running an obstacle course. I know exactly what I need to do, how to overcome each one, what the goal is, but I’m standing at the start line being held back by…nothing? Myself? I’m stuck…and I see myself being stuck and don’t know how to move forward. I want to move forward. I want to move forward. I know I’m capable of a 10, but I’ve been at zero for so many years now that I don’t know how to anymore. I know I’m “rushing” the grieving process, but life is not stopping for me, so I can’t let this stop me from life. I need so much help and prayer. God help me. I’m so frustrated.

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