Surrender

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I’ve not been writing much, which was what I was supposed to be doing as part of my self-therapy… So here goes some more scattered thoughts.

Therapy is going well. I go once a week for a half hour. It’s truly not enough time, but it is helping; That I can say. I hadn’t been expressing myself to anyone. The first few sessions were about my anxiety and depression. She finally asked about my mother, which I think I was subconsciously avoiding…as if it wasn’t going to come up. I’m still to this day in disbelief even though I knew it was happening for the last 2 years. I can’t even say “I wasn’t expecting it so soon” or “I wasn’t ready” because those statements would be false. I just…it just makes me so sad that I’ll never see her again. That sucks so bad. She and I had become so great. She was literally my best friend. How I’m surviving right now is beyond me, because everything I feel, I want to tell HER and I can’t.

I gave up on the house. I tried to clear it and clean it as much as I could. I was going to have a yard sale, but I simply can’t go back in there. Every time I do, the next day I feel so empty and pressed. Fuck the sale. I feel horrible to let the things she worked so hard for just go to shit, but mentally I can’t take anymore. They can have it all. They being the mortgage company the house is going back to. All the important things are out I suppose. It’s over. That chapter is officially done. Now I just battle with my feelings.

I feel a little better… I’ve definitely progressed from what I felt a few weeks ago when I couldn’t even stand to be around people without crying. That’s a big accomplishment for me. I’ve been consistently going to my boxing class, which while very tiresome and hard to do sometimes is very therapeutic. I leave all my frustrations on the bag. I don’t care about the warm up or the cool down, just the 30 minutes that I get to fuck something up with my hands with all the strength in my body. I’m hoping to lose a few pounds in the process… By few I mean about 120. Then maybe I can focus on trying to have a baby.

Thats backward, right? Worrying about a baby before I even get married? Well, to be honest, children are far more important to me than marriage. Would I like to be married, absolutely. I think I’m partially ready. I could get ready in the amount of time it took for me to date the person. I want my children to have a 2 parent home, but with my level of endometriosis, my window of opportunity is very small. Artificial insemination may be the proper route to take if I’m not married in the next 2yrs or so. I really want children. I know I could be a great wife, but I know for fact I’ll be an excellent mother (probably said every mother on earth, but somehow we all end up at least a little screwed up).

I would like someone other than my friends to care for me. I feel like I’m giving off the wrong vibe? Is it my appearance? Is it my introvertedness? I try to go out more and be more outgoing, but I just really love my time to myself. Whoever I end up with will have to genuinely respect that without taking it personally. I’m not picky, but I do want to be loved, adored, respected and heard. I NEVER pray for my love life. I always thought it vain or selfish and that God will give me who he wants, when he wants and that I shouldn’t have to ask, by maybe I should. At this point, I’m so open. Just trying to find my happiness and someone to compliment me and what I want out of life.

Speaking of which, I’m not really sure. Indy, Canada, some other state. I only have months to start deciding things so please Lord, step in and heal me so I can go about my life and lead me in the right direction. Right now I have no answers, nor am I seeking any or trying to break down any signs. Make it plain. I surrender my plans to you…as they were never mine to begin with.

-Vonn

 

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