This will be scattered
Today I hated life, as I have been for the last few weeks now. My mom is really dead. I have to say dead because “dead” vs “gone” is basically reality vs fantasy, and I need the truth in order to believe this and get through it. My heart is super broken, so much that I’m on medical leave and disability because my nerves and bipolar depression are trying to kill me. I’m anxious and crying all the time….literally all the time. D someone looks at me funny or for too long or looks concerned or compassionate or like they don’t give a fuck, I cry. I feel so weak; I’m not a crying person. I’m at an all time low.
When I’m not crying, or sometimes when I am, I’m completely numb. I say things with even less filter than normal and genuinely don’t care. I’m brutally honest and I look like the worlds biggest bitch. I don’t want to be held, consoled, touched or even socialized with. This is the state I’m in 88% of the time. The other 12% is tears. No in between.
I’m depressed. It took a lot for me to admit that and make myself take a Leave of Absence to try and fix myself. I always “make it”, but that wasn’t going to be enough this go round. I truly thought I was prepared and wasn’t going to feel this for a while due to anticipatory grief I experience prior to her passing. It usually takes me a long time to grieve…i.e. years. This one was delayed only a month before I started losing my mind….dazing and dozing off, crying, being mean, not caring how I looked anymore, hating life, etc. the last week I worked I went home early every single day because I couldn’t get my emotions in check. I had to give in. It was effecting my work.
I currently don’t sleep. Sometimes for days at a time, others there’s the occasional nap if I smoke some weed or pop a pill or drink something to take the edge off….I hate having to self medicate. I feel like a drug addict, but I just started counseling. Perhaps it’ll help…..I kinda hope so. I’m now drunk and or high everyday and that’s not how I want to function in life….but I do want some sleep.
My thoughts are racing when I lay down, I feel inappropriate outbursts in my spirit that are so hard to keep inside. I find myself wanting to snap off about everything. I’m taking shit personal. I’m acting on impulse, especially with money. I’m Disrespecting tf out of my body. I’m really trying to care but the therapy I need has started and I hope will help.
I have so much to write in regards to my mom dying, like how I knew it was going to happen right when it did, how I held her hand during transition which was my only prayer in all this….but for now I just needed to express how “nothing” I feel. Nothing and angry. I’m not even praying for God to heal my heart right now. No holding back right now. I want to feel all this pain. Deep down it feels deserved. I don’t know why.