Not a Charity Case

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Do not donate your feelings of sympathy to me.

I’m tired of people feeling sorry for me. I know it’s human nature, but I hate always being the girl with something really unfortunate happening to them. I feel like there has to be some sort of a curse on my family or on me that was spoken at birth. Who hated my mother that much? What did she do? Because all of this is not the will of God, it couldn’t have been.

My life honestly has been unfortunate from the start: had a mother that didn’t love or want me initially, was molested and raped in childhood, beaten often, was always involved in drama, dealt with a life of homosexuality, mother terminally ill, family sucks and now I’m deemed infertile. That’s plenty enough for the rest of my life. I hate to ever feel like someone is looking at me saying, “Damn, something is always up with Vonn.” Most of the time in HS or College I was bringing things on myself, and since then I’ve learned. I became more reserved to stay out of the way of BS because I honestly just got tired of it, and I knew I couldn’t always be “them”. And I was right. I contributed to my own demise. Now, I have 0 dramatics in my life and a very small circle of friends I deal with. Life is so much better this way.

I never want to be the Debbie Downer…the person who’s life makes you depressed or brings you down as well. When you look at me you get sad for me and want to hug me and shit or the opposite, stay away from me so I don’t rub off on you or so you don’t have to deal with it….which I’ve been told and lost “friends” because of. I don’t want to be a “woe is me” type bitch. Usually I’m not, but I do have my moments. But, make no mistake, I don’t want to be treated that way. I can feel it…in the way people speak to me look at me; or don’t speak to me or look at me! They’re scared to ask questions and feel intimidated by my sadness and sometimes anger at my situations.

Do you know how badly I desire to move on with my life? For this entire nightmare to just be over? I know that sounds awful in a way, but seriously, I’m ready to live in a world now where I’m responsible for just me, mine  and the problems and issues or attachments that I myself created and to not suffer someone else’s demons. I’m ready for THAT day…where my happiness is determined by me; where I’ve forgiven everyone in my life who has wronged me, and their presence is pleasantly unnecessary in my life. I’m ready to move on. I want them to look at me for once and say, “Auvon is so blessed.” I’m not sure that statement has ever been said before in life. I’m ready for others to finally see that light on me, and to not look like a wave of gloom and darkness. I don’t want to be seen as the oncoming storm anymore, I want to be seen as the sun. I’m ready to move on.

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