Please Stop, it Hurts

stop-the-pain-and-suffering-dr-diva-verdun

 

I wish people would stop asking about my mom. And I know that sounds unappreciative and bitchy or what have you, but lying to you to spare your comfort level hurts ME. I know you feel like as a good friend or person who knows me that you have to ask, but you don’t. I promise you I’m ok with you pretending like you have no idea, especially since when she dies, it’s not going to have an effect on you. You’ll feel sympathetic for me, yea, but you’re not asking for your own personal knowledge, but rather to build a wall of empathy around me that I don’t want. I don’t need to be constantly reminded that she’s dying, but every time you ask, that’s what’s repeating in my head. That’s what I want to say when you ask me: “She’s dying a slow death. She cannot walk, move, eat, talk, she’s in pain, she has insomnia, she’s sad, she has some dementia, she’s frail, she gets bed sores, she gets lonely….may I go on?” But no, I can’t say that because then I have to feel bad for you because now you feel bad. I SHOULDNT HAVE TO!!! It’s ME who has to deal with this.

Bipolar Disorder is hard, and those familiar know there are “triggers” that can put a person into a deep depression. For me, unwarranted physical contact, ie: hugs, lying and repetition to name few. When you ask, I’m repetitiously lying, and then you want to hug me after! I’m sorry, but I just can’t. For my sanity, I can’t accept your sympathy. So please understand. It’s not that I don’t appreciate you, it’s that I want to make it through the day without being irritable, anxious or depressed because you feel bad for me. I want to avoid having to drink an entire bottle of wine or take a Xanax to relax and be able to sleep that night. I want to avoid impulsive behaviors and inappropriate outbursts or actions caused by stress; because I didn’t ask for this illness, but I think I’m managing it pretty well, considering. So please…stop. It mentally, physically and emotionally hurts.

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