The month of September I decided to dedicate to “stability” and “structure”…I’ll be going to work hours that I’ve planned way in advance, adhering to a bedtime and creating a meal plan after my monthly fast is over. I used to fast for the first 3 days of every month. Ever since my mom fell ill, I haven’t done that. I decided to start over with it again because I don’t feel that closeness with God that I once had. I know that he is still with me, but I do sometimes feel like I walk alone or don’t have the answers to things I generally would easily when I’m closer to Him. I’m on day 2 of my fast now and I can truly say this has been a test, but I’m slowly but surely becoming more grounded spiritually and testing my faith and flesh.
Per my last blog, I just want to say that I have love for someone other than me; someone I’ve loved for a long time, just never was certain it could ever be anything more than a friendship. There’s still a great possibility that it couldn’t work out, based on the circumstances of it, but I’m praying that it does. I’ll go in depth on another blog of what this love means to me.
God has been good as of late. I have been blessed to not have so much stress in regards to my mother. Luckily this new company seems to be working out great, so now I can focus on me a bit more and what I want and need. I’m learning to accept that this is my mother’s and God’s battle and not mine. I’m trying to prepare myself for my family, as I am the backbone of it. I need to have it “together” in the end for all of them.
What I’m hoping to gain during this fast and this month itself is more discipline as a person, as a woman, as a future wife and mother, as a career woman, as a leader in my community someday, as a friend, as a family member. I want my faith to be restored and built to it’s greatest potential so that I don’t ever have to worry about anything. I rarely do now, and I think the things I do worry about are reasonable, but I want to get back to KNOWING that God already has it worked out for my good. I want confirmation on my husband. I want his love to be growing deep for me now and for him to share it with me more. I want us to have a deeper connection and bond than ever before during these next couple of years as we prepare certain personal aspects of our lives that will make our future together easier and brighter. I want to gain physical discipline…enough said. I want mental stability and comfort and consistency…which I know is a lot to ask for given that I don’t have a whole lot of control over a disorder that I didn’t bring upon myself. This fast, this one, is indeed all about me and God. I can’t help anyone if I’m not helped myself. It took me a very long time to understand and accept this concept, but I’m grateful that I did. For it, this past year of my life I have learned to love the hell out of me. I just want to be a better woman. I’m truly growing in myself in all aspects of my life. I want to maintain this development so that I can feel fully confident in who I am. I want to wow myself with the possibilities of me. I want to reach my full and utter potential and begin to challenge myself in ways that I never have before. I want to be the best me that God created and that I ever could. I know I can, and I need to prove these things to myself. I love myself. I’m so worth it.