Hurts so Good

love

This is going to sound crazy, but I miss love. I miss caring about someone, looking forward to seeing their face, spending time with them. That’s not the crazy part. I miss the heartbreak too, and believe me, I’ve had some serious heartbreak in my life, so why would I want that? I’ve spent many nights lying in bed holding my pillow tight in the fetal position and crying over someone who wasn’t crying over me; feeling my heart ache so badly I’d grab my chest as if to make it stop; and my brain on the brink of explosion from the exhaustion of contemplating rights and wrongs and suppressing tears so hard blood rushes to my frontal lobes and I can feel the pulsating through my eyes. You scream so hard nothing comes out but crackling air. Snotting in my sheets, listening to every depressing R&B artist who ever sang a song. Thanks Mariah, Toni, Aaliyah, Alicia, Keyshia, Sam, Adele, Avant, Trey Songz, Drake, etc. for contributing to my anguished evenings spent with one leg and arm and head hanging over a bed bleeding tears until my ducts run dry and burn.

I think what I miss is FEELING in general. I don’t feel anything and haven’t in a very long time. I’m thinking it’s impossible for me to love again. Which is starting to really scare me. I don’t THINK I wanna be alone. I’m pretty hardcore. I really like myself and I even enjoy being single mostly. It’s rare a “catch” feelings for someone. I’m good with setting boundaries and deciding what I want someone’s position to be in my life….but I don’t want to do this forever. I haven’t been in love in about 3 years now and I’ve never been in love with a man…which also worries me. Could I ever be? This post lesbian life has been very trying for me. Ive been spending lots of time trying to figure me out. I’ve mostly got it. But I want someone to get it with me. I don’t wanna be alone anymore. I’m finished….how can someone be terrified and excited to be in love at the same time? No choice but to wait, but to wait….meanwhile I lay here listening to maxwell and wishing I felt something for someone and don’t…which makes me sad and feel unloveable. But I also don’t let anyone love me. I’m so desperate for a feeling that I’ll even take pain. So very numb.

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