One day I want to wake up and not feel like I’m in a bad dream. I’m really good at making things disappear in my mind. Somewhere in the back of my mind my mom has already died. I wish I didn’t feel like that. Hell, I wish I could feel. I feel nothing. I don’t call anymore. I rarely text. I just go one with life as if she’s already gone. I know it’s not right but it’s kind of how I feel. I wish I cared more. I wish I could be there for her more, show her more love because I know she needs it and I’m the closes thing she has to anything…but I can’t. It’s gone. I’ve already mentally killed her off. I think it’s a defense mechanism. If I make her gone already maybe it won’t hurt so bad when she is…or maybe it’ll hurt worse because I didn’t give her all the support she needed in those last days, months…whatever is left.
I’m tired. Tired of the waiting game. Have you ever had to WAIT for someone to die? Knowing it could just happen at any moment, any time is nerve-wrecking. But I’m sure even moreso for the person dying, so sometimes I feel like I don’t have the right to be irritated or upset that she’s sick. I have to constantly remind myself that my feelings are valid because they’re my feelings and I can’t control them, which means they can’t be wrong. Distasteful, but not wrong.
I love my mother. I know it doesn’t seem like it by reading this, but I love her as my friend, not my mom. We truly developed a friendship that was unbreakable…so I thought. This shit right here broke it. God, seriously, what am I supposed to do now? I get it, but I don’t get it. Bring us so close just to end it all…and my poor baby brother. I know it’s not personal, but it feels that way. I can’t imagine a life with just the 2 of us. Am I strong enough to be his rock? Let alone the rest of my family. I wasn’t ready to have to be that. Please prepare me, Lord. I’m standing in the dark alone with no guidance. I need a word from you. This is emotional Hell, and I want out.