I don’t write much, but when I do, it’s depressing as hell.

25 Started like this….
01/01/15-stopped by my lesbian coworkers’ house after work. Said Happy New Year. Drove home and got harassed all night long by a drunk, close guy friend I know begging and saying he was on his way over do expletives to me…so much so I almost called the police.

01/03-04/15-Extreme mood swings caused by Birthday planning behind my back when I explicitly said I didn’t want to do anything. Went to dinner/breakfast with my soror; engaged in oodles of conversation and wine; came home and did….nothing. It was beautiful.

01/07/15-Get a phone call saying come home….my cousin is dead.

Mom goes into the hospital for 2 weeks and stops talking to me because I didn’t quit my job to come to the rescue. Her caregiver gets fed up and leaves. She stops speaking to me.

Yep, this year is going well so far.

They think it may be time for a feeding tube. I’ll be home tomorrow to assess. I haven’t been home in 3 weeks and to be quite honest it has been refreshing, but I know now that my hell is right back on schedule. This is happening. She is indeed dying. No more plateau, no more maybe God will heal her, no more wait it out. Nope, this is happening. I’m losing my best friend. She can’t really talk anymore. I need to enjoy these last moments of sound from her. The last smiles….this is crazy. And I’m numb as fuck. I can speak of it all so nonchalantly. I’m wondering when it will all kick in.

I guess I’m supposed to go home and get affairs in order but idk what the hell I’m doing, nor do I care a whole lot to go make post death plans, but who else will? The only thing I know is that I want to be there when she closes her eyes. I want to be right next to her holding her hand. Lately all I have is visions of the funeral and the moment I find out or realize she’s dead. Those thoughts are haunting me daily….those and the ones of plans we made together as friends to accomplish. That’s what hurts most….I had finally developed a deep relationship with her. We had become one for the first time and then just as quickly as I got it, it was taken away. Still not sure how to feel. Just don’t feel anything anymore.

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