Automatic Flush: Letters to Stormii

Precious Babygirl,

I think about you all the time…every single day. In the beginning I tried to deny the feelings I had of losing you. I would tell myself that because I didn’t know (meaning a doctor hadn’t confirmed and the test denied it) that I wasn’t affected. How could I be bothered by something I wasn’t aware of? But I knew the moment you were conceived. I felt something spiritual happen in my womb that words cannot explain, but will try my best to. In the middle of the night, I felt a warm tingling sensation, first in my womb and then all over my entire body from the top of my head to the soles of my feet. My hair rose off my body, and I got chills. It was a good feeling. I swear, in that moment I knew I was pregnant. This feeling I only felt once before, and it was the night I first ever heard God’s voice.

The day I lost you, I was at Ms. Wanda’s graduation dinner. We had to leave early because I was having some extreme pains…pain I never had before. I almost killed me and my mom trying to drive through it from Chicago to home. When I got home I grabbed some Vicodin and went for the bathroom. As soon as I sat down I felt something large slide out of me, and then more and more. When I looked down there was blood everywhere and large clots and immediately the pain went away. I didn’t even get to take the medicine. I put it in a bowl and went down stairs to show my mom, but we both already knew. I went to the hospital and they took me in quickly for an exam and said my cervix was blue and wanted to run tests. Again I went to the bathroom, this time to pee in a cup when I felt something large pass from my body…before I could turn around good to see you, the automatic flush went off and I lost it, mentally, emotionally….lost it. That was the most traumatizing thing I ever went through…not being able to see you. I sat at the base of the toilet in my gown and just sobbed.

I pretended I didn’t care for as long as I could; that I could go on about my life as if you never happened, but on October 28th I dreamt of you being born and God allowed me to experience the essence of you. I could feel you in my arms, I could smell you, I could feel your skin against mine; I nursed you and I literally could feel it. You were so beautiful. Your skin was a perfect hazelnut brown and you had my honey colored eyes and plump pink lips. In my dream I didn’t deliver you. I was just in the hospital bed and you were handed to me to. I breathed you in, and I thank God he gave me that experience. I think it was to make up for not seeing her that day. He didn’t want that to be my last memory.

When I added up the time I lost you to that date, I realized that’s when you would have been born. I believe that was God comforting me that he has you. I cry for you a lot, but that’s an understatement. I wail to the Lord in agony about how much I miss you. I say your name aloud so that you know I acknowledge you because I didn’t for so long sometimes all I can utter is “Babygirl”. This is probably the most painful thing I have ever felt. I understand the term “a mother’s love” because this is a love I have never felt in my whole life. I wonder often how it can hurt so bad when I never even got to know you, but you were a part of me and that’s all there really is to it. Your daddy I believe would have been there for you eventually, but having him not support me at that time hurt my soul so badly that I had to let him go and be with who he wanted to be with. But, when I talk to him, I feel connected to you and that feels good and hurts at the same time, so I don’t know what to do.

Babygirl, you are the love of my life, even though I’ve never met you. Please watch over us and allow me the blessing of your presence as I grieve over you. Know that mommy loves you and always will. I’m sorry that I ever tried to forget you, and know that I remember you everyday. If every tear that flows down my face represented a kiss I could give you, you’d have well over a million.

-Vonn (Mommy)


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