The Calming.

I feel bad that I’m enjoying life. After the biggest storm ever I’m finally getting a moment of clarity and u feel awful for it. Like I shouldn’t get to be so happy right now while my mother is dying. Why is God letting me have this moment? I don’t want my mom to be upset with me for being….happy when she’s physically and I’m certain at times mentally/emotionally miserable. I feel good about myself. I feel good about where im going in my career. I’ve become content (almost) with my fate as a woman who may not ever bear a child of her own; accepting the idea of adoption and getting excited about the possibilities. Living with being single and ok with waiting for the one God ordained. Not rushing my life. Not beating myself up for fucking up. Not quitting. My mind is clear besides the usual worries. I don’t have much hurt or pain…just that very slight guilt of being able to be happy when my mother is going through so much. I get afraid to share my joy with her…afraid she’d think, “The audacity of you to leave me here ill and then actually enjoy your life while I’m here dying”. Idk if she thinks that but deep down I think she does. I think she’s hurt that I didn’t have the capacity to care for her the way she and I both would have liked. That does indeed hurt me. I just have so many things I need to accomplish before she goes…for her and for me. I pray everyday that she understands my choices and my desire to make her proud before she goes. I don’t know why God is giving me this break…this empowerment…this moment of clarity. I haven’t felt like this since jersey…that was my last calm before the storm. I guess I better check the clouds.

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