ALS

defeat

I hear my mom crying in the next room, but I physically can’t do anything about it. I’m weak. I’m drained mentally and emotionally. I honestly can’t take anymore pain. Sometimes I hope it would just end already so she can be free.

My mom probably thinks I don’t love her. That’s not it. It’s just, how do you watch someone die and live life pretending they aren’t or that you don’t see them deteriorating and it not effect you? Every single day I wish I could do more. I wake up with the intention of helping more around the house, showing her more love and affection and compassion. But, I can’t do it. I can feel the death just lingering around my house, and I can’t stand to be around it; the negativity, the pain, the depression, the lack of faith. I try to stay away from it as long as possible. In turn, I’m not giving her what she needs. I guess I’m cutting my days short. I guess I’m creating my own karma. When I get sick I guess my children won’t care for me either. It’s not that I don’t want to, it’s just so hard when everything is so gloomy, pathetic, sad and awful. I wanna do better and I can’t.

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