Diagnosed with Death

Lou Gehrig’s Disease to be more specific. We got the diagnosis a week and a half after my birthday. Great.

That was selfish to say and I don’t care. It’s my mom for crying out loud. I have that right. I wish I could be all “God is able” right now, but I can’t. This is the second time my mom has been diagnosed with death. I mean, I’m definitely a believer of Christ and miracles, but maybe this is the way he wants it to be. It sucks, but the majority of me is accepting it, though I’d never admit that to the Christians.

Of course I don’t want my mom to die. I want her to see me get married and have babies and help me raise them and teach me things and listen to me. She has become one of my best friends…what would I do without her?

My dad left us when I was 16. He missed my 1st job, my prom, my graduation, seeing me off to college, my college graduation and finally (after 6yrs of lesbianism) my first boyfriend. He dropped dead right in front of my brother. I’m not looking forward to my brother having to experience that again with his only living parent. It’s more than unfair to him. So, I’m a bit angry. A little at God, a little at her, though I shouldn’t be. ALS claims the life of 1 in every 100,000 and has no cause. It’s not like she brought this on herself, but I’ve been taking it out on her as if she has. I sometimes ignore her, yell, am mean to her for no reason. I don’t mean any harm or do it intentionally…I guess I just resent the fact that she’s leaving me. Again, selfish I know, and I don’t care.

I don’t try to make sense of it anymore. I guess this is just life. Fcked up things happen and you can’t rationalize everything. Some things you just learn how to deal with. My ex said the most amazing thing to me today: I never got over you, I just learned how to love without you. I guess this is like that. I’ll never get over losing my dad, my mom, anyone else for that matter who means anything to me. I’ve lost friends who were dear to me and I didn’t get over them, I just learned to live without them. I’ll learn to live without her. But it will suck indefinitely.

My prayers are rarely for her now. If this is what she has, she won’t get better, just worse. I just pray that God makes me a better human…nicer; more understanding and compassionate so that I can make her last days here as easy as possible. I pray He takes the bitterness I have in my heart away, not just for my moms sake, but for this man that loves me and my brother who needs me. I guess her being diagnosed with death gave me a diagnosis for life. It’s time for me to grow now. Life is tired of being taken for granted and she is showing her ass.

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