Dying or Something

It’s really hard to stay positive when your mom is dying or something…even moreso helplessly watching it happen. Every day she’s getting progressively worse and doctors have no clue what it could be. I think that’s what makes this all so bad. A diagnosis would put us all at some form of ease. Not having the slightest clue where to begin though, that sucks.

I’ve been home about a month and a half. I’ve watched my mother be poked and prodded by doctors, needles and tools, electrocuted my machines, and given constant “I don’t know’s” by every type of “ologist” I can think of. She leaves crying and frustrated from each one as no one can find the problem. I watch her 3 days a week work pointlessly with a physical therapist, trying with all her might to strengthen body parts that are shutting down. I watch her eyes dilate and her body melt as her blood sugar goes up and down throughout the day. I close my ears as she pricks her fingers to check and tries to show me how to do it in case she bottoms out. She wants me to practice sticking her with insulin. I can’t do it.

I carry her around on my shoulders, on my arms…I wash her back and feet because she can’t reach. I put on her deodorant, I dress her, and I try to maintain her dignity the best I can. I brush her hair and I want to cry, but I don’t. I won’t. I try to think of encouraging things to say, and I can’t. Even if I could, I’m not sure I believe then. I listen to her subtle and sometimes forward remarks about death: her funeral, life support or even how she “can’t do this”. I pretend it doesn’t bother me when it does. I try to make her laugh but it hurts her too badly to do so. If she does laugh, I know it’s only to appease me.

I’m 23. I’ll be 24 in like 2 weeks or something? I’m not equipped for this. I have siblings but I was raised an only child who had to take care of only herself. I pray all day long that God heals her, that He equips me to be able to handle this and I feel unheard. My faith is declining, my support system is few, any hopes and dreams I had are out the window. I’m a guardian, I’m a parent of 2 teenage boys. I’m a caregiver, and I don’t feel like a person anymore.

I’m not sure what the lesson is in all of this. I just know this sucks. It sucks watching someone who was once so active and was constantly doing for others and so happy just deteriorate physically, mentally, emotionally. It’s killing us all. I want my mom back. And then I want me back too.

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