The Disconnect

I hate when my heart and mind are not on the same page.

I avoid admitting that I’m in love…mostly because the person I’m in love with is not in love with me. I also know I’m not ready to love or be loved…but the fact of the matter is that I am. It’s so unfortunate.

I whole-heartedly do not want these feelings. I’ve been trying to pray them off me for the last 6 months, but they won’t flee. It’s nothing I’ve felt before because it wasn’t intentional. For the most part, I’ve walked into all of my feelings with intent to demand bliss. I’ve since learned that’s not how true love works, but this…this shit here was not my choice.

Let’s get real:

I initially loathed you. You were constantly debating me. Your rude and domineering, egotistical, male chauvinist natured personality was enough to turn any (former) lesbian off. By chance, I got to know you in the course of a 2hr drive and you became a friend, a confidant…someone who was sincere and caring and respected women to a degree I hadn’t seen a male of my generation acquire. At either rate, you became someone I trusted and came to cherish and love. But then, feelings got in the way on both ends. Friendship took a very wrong turn when we began to express our feelings; and like a woman, I mistakenly wore my heart on my sleeve.

On occasion, I took it off and tried to hand it to you.

I though that was what I wanted. However, we both had a plethora of situations that prohibited any chance of a healthy, relationship. As we decided to emotionally part ways, I began to grow into this woman I never knew I could be. I even wish I could lie and say you didn’t inspire some of the changes, but you did. You taught me many things about myself. Made me want to be a better woman, a better friend, gain trust and faith in men that I never had and aspire to be a wife and mother to a wonderful man and children….despite the fact that I had intentions on marrying my former girlfriend.

You earned a piece of my soul, and I desire for you to have it. In all honesty, I still don’t want it back. It’s not everyday you find a man you can pray for and with and who intercedes for you…who will sit in silence on Skype and stare at you while listening to gospel music, meditating and worshiping together…who you can share the bible with and teach each other things and make you view things from another perspective.

You made me feel beautiful, appreciated, worthy, sexy…among other things I was taken for granted for in previous relationships, so yes…I fell in love. I’m currently in love. I’m desperately seeking to fall out. It’s doing me no justice to stay here.

So it was not my intention to write all this. But the fact that no one reads but strangers makes it ok. Maybe one of you will give me advice. Maybe 1 soul will like it and it’ll assure me I’m not alone in the world.

I moved 1000 miles away, but my heart is still where I left it. The sad part about it is if you beckoned me, I’d bring my body back to it at your command. But if that is hardly your intention, I’d like it back, and I’d like to move forward with my life and try my damnedest to be your friend, because I care about you on a far deeper level than companionship could ever meet.

I just want God to make some sense of this.


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