Notes to God

God, I waste too much time wishing that people cared more for me than they do…wishing to be someone’s priority, wishing to be emotionally provided for. I want not to invest so much of my feelings in my feelings, in my relationships and friendships with people. At this point in my life, I don’t feel like I have a single valuable friendship. I often wonder if I died today, who’d cry? Who’d care? Who’d be affected the rest of their lives by it? Who’d regret the things they did to me? Why does it take for us to lose someone to realize or appreciate their worth? What makes us take people for granted? I feel taken for granted daily by everyone. I give so much of my heart away and often feel like I receive little to nothing back in return. Sometimes I do wish I could die for a day just to be able to look over the earth and see whose lives if any would change…and I can’t even lie, the main person who’s feelings I’m concerned about are hers. I know my family would miss and love me and hurt and cry, but would she? Would she even care, or would she carry on with her life just as she’s doing now with her gf? Sometimes I wish something would happen that would really fck her up inside so she could really feel what she did to me. She deserves to hurt like I did and still do. I hate to be bitter and hold grudges or seem selfish and inconsiderate or revengeful, but a hurt like this I’m sure you only get once. I never want to experience it ever again. I continue to pray God sends the one and nothing short of him in between. I never want to casually date again or have feelings for anyone who is temporary. I never want to have to beg for things I desire, no matter how great or small. I never wanna have to beg for someone’s love again and have it snatched from underneath me by other women. I just want one person I have the option to trust with my life but won’t because it belongs to God first and foremost. I just want the love of God molded in human form and given to me and only me….how’d this turn into a post about love? I guess because even in friendship that’s the one thing I desire most. I lack love right now or at least that’s how it feels. I don’t wanna be alone anymore, but I’m also not ready. I pray God gives me someone with the patience to teach me how.

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