I Just Want Out

What does it take to truly get over someone? What does it mean when you can’t?

My ex…I’m not attracted to her, I don’t even know who she is anymore now, so what is it that my heart is holding into? I guess that’s the proof that the feelings were real.

I really just want that part of my life back where I’m not concerned if she buys a house, car, insurance or a baby with her. I want to not cringe when I receive a text or see someone RT her on twitter or not get angry when her picture somehow pops up on my screen as Windows8 is panning all the info in my computer. I want to not give a damn if she ever feels bad for what she did to me or wondering karma will ever commence. I simply just don’t want to care and I want those moments of my life back where I don’t have to think about her everyday.

I’ve been trying to break it down: is it WHAT she did that hurt me? The lying in the beginning, the making me wait a year meanwhile dating someone else, then finally getting with me and dumping me while I had been there through so many hardships? Or was it the fact that I was faithful for the first time to someone who didn’t whole-heartedly want me? Is it the fact that I had to wait and NO ONE ELSE did? Was it deciding she wanted me when I finally left? Or was it walking in on her and a “friend” she met on twitter and them getting into a relationship immediately after….even though she was talking marriage just before the incident happened. I just want to pinpoint the issue and then let it go.

I thank God for getting me out. It was the worst heartbreak of my life but at the same time, I wouldn’t be where I am today if it weren’t for all of that happening; being taken advantage of, being used, being mistreated….I was no walk in the park but I gave all of my love. That should have never been a question. Had I not gotten out, I wouldn’t have gotten the chance to find out who I really was because I definitely couldn’t be ME in that situation. Idk…I’m grateful but most times it feels like the bad outweighs the good .

I just want the pain to go away. I’m afraid to love anyone, to get close to anyone because I don’t want my heart broken again. I want my next to be my last. I’ve been saving my body and preparing my mind for the right person. I just pray to God that I don’t screw it up based on what the last person did to me. I want to be able to love freely and for them not to bare the burdens of my past. So, I guess if you’re reading this, just pray for me. My heart and soul are still fragmented and I just want to be whole for the first time.

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