I wish I knew the things people close to me pray for at night when they’re home alone in their beds thinking just before they doze off. Real thoughts, not vague prayers dressed up in pretty words and extremely over-generalized so that they don’t seem as desperate or vulnerable to man as they allow themselves to be to God, alone in a dark room. These prayers are usually not of immediate importance, but rather personal hopes and dreams. Most times we are ashamed or embarrassed to let people know we come to God for these things. But here, I’ll allow you in my silent prayers.
My current thoughts to God:
God, I really think I’m ready, or I’d like to be ready for someone to love me now. Being alone for this long is starting to hurt. I’ve been single for a year, I’ve been celibate 6 months and I know that’s only a small accomplishment for some but you know how huge that is for me. I definitely understand why you’ve had me alone. It gave me the opportunity to solely focus on you, and on me. And I love myself now. I think I’m ready. And if I’m not, make me ready, because I do want to be loved. But only one more time. I can’t take anymore heartbreak. Make sure this next one is the last one.
Make me more confident. Sometimes I feel like I can’t “make it” because I’ve never seen anyone else achieve. I have this powerhouse inside of me. I feel it and I know I have the personality and wittiness for the big, corporate world, but sometimes I don’t feel like I’m smart enough. In fact there are times I feel like I’m slow because I learn differently and mental illness and handicap run in my family. I genuinely fear that I have some of it and no one caught it. People tell me I’m so smart and intelligent, and I believe some of its true. Help me to know that I’m fully competent and capable of achieving at accelerated levels in high capacities.
I don’t want to be just a pretty face anymore. I really get tired of hearing that, but I can’t seem to make myself stop eating. I can’t make up in my mind to quit. I know what needs to be done, I know how to do it, but I keep telling myself it’s ok. It’s not ok. I can only start over tomorrow for so many years. Do what you need to do to help me stop. I just desire a healthy lifestyle. I don’t want to die young or be sick like my parents. I want a full life and I want to enjoy it.
Give me more drive, more ambition, more confidence, more will power, more knowledge, more faith and more belief in myself, Lord. I need this. Amen.