For a long time I prayed you’d come back. I’d pull up in my driveway after a long day at work and you’d be on my porch on one knee with a ring awaiting my arrival with a, “Baby, I’m so sorry…I realized I messed up and I VOW to never hurt you again. I packed all my shit and a prayer in hopes you’d say yes and we could start over. I messed up. You’re all I want. You’re all I need, and I promise to never make you question it again.”
But that never happened. And it never will. But, I would have said yes.
I was in love; and for a long time I never thought I could love like that ever again. I have an ounce of hope now though that God will restore the brokenness inside of me. My heart wants justice so badly, but I know I’ll never get it, and at times, it still hurts like hell. I can’t imagine what divorce is like if this is how I feel after I break up. I thought I had my soulmate, my best friend. I didn’t want anything or anyone else…so for someone to stand before God thinking the same thing, I can’t imagine what it be like to break that type of covenant; especially if they thought it was what God ordained. I’ll bet it would make some people lose faith in love. Luckily I’m getting mine back. I have way too much love to give to let bitterness keep me from happiness.
I pray everyday to let go, but it seems like it’s gonna take as many days as I’ve wanted you or known you to get over you. I hope it doesn’t take 4yrs. I don’t have that much time.
I thought I’d die when you left because when you came in is when I started to live for the first time. You showed me so many things about life that I never knew. You changed me. In some ways, I hate to admit that you made me. But as much as you’d build me up, you’d break me down completely…over and over and over again. I’m almost certain I could never hurt like that or this ever again, that’s why I feel like I could conquer the world now. Life can’t get rougher than the moments you’d snatch my soul from me and hold it over my head and out of my reach.
I’d like to think I’m stronger now. In most ways I am. I love myself now more than I ever did before, so there’s things I know I won’t tolerate. I even consider myself delivered from that lifestyle…but somehow, even though I know it’s wrong, I feel like if you came back, I’d hand you my heart…all duct taped, stapled and sewn back together, and trust that you wouldn’t dismantle it, and that because my love was so real, God would understand and make it ok.
But for now, I tell myself that your rejection was God’s way of protecting me. I sure hope I’m right, because someone out there deserves to have me and to be loved without regard to my past hurt.